Encounter with Nothing
photo credit: h.koppdelany
Excerpt from the forthcoming book, ‘Medicine Child’ by Ray Stewart.
I had been in town for a day with almost no sleep. The flight was long and I stayed awake reading, observing and reviewing my life leading up to each moment that passed. I felt immediate and clear.
I was laughing with my friend and wife when the hotel employee told me Lujan had called. I felt unusual and removed from my circumstances and pulled into something else. I felt like I was dreaming and as I picked up the phone this intensified. I said hello and it felt like I was calling into the darkness.
Lujan said hello and asked if I had liked the place. I felt I was being seen and I said that I had liked the place very much while concealing myself from the feeling of being observed. I felt him feel me feeling him and aware of the veil as he laughed knowingly.
He said he was going to come by and introduce himself to us and then we could cruise into town and he would show me the tattoo shop and a place to convert some money at a good rate. I said okay as he laughed still aware of my concealment. I felt even more profound pressure as if I was dreaming or coming undone somehow.
I hung up the phone and turned seeing the hotel employee. He had a nice smile and I thanked him. He seemed to be examining me to assess my mood after the call. I returned his smile feeling light and tipsy, which seemed to please him. I even walked differently.
I went to the room and told my wife and friend that he would be here soon. They seemed altered too after seeing me. They asked if I felt alright. I said I felt unusual and that it had been strange finally hearing his voice after just reading words for so long and everything seemed dreamlike since I hadn’t slept much and so forth.
I waited out on the balcony. My friend smoked and we watched the rice fields and trees enjoying the view. Soon after, Lujan walked by below and I felt anticipation. I went to answer the door and was very affected by not feeling anything at all coming from him.
He felt good, familiar and light. I had somehow expected a heaviness and pressure. Instead I felt like I always did reading his words; like nothing. He said hello to everyone and looked at us all a couple times and gave us a handshake. My friend shook his hand hard. I felt it was because they were both physically large.
He was standing facing my friend, leaning against a wall. I felt like a child, reduced to the empty observer and forgotten to myself. I saw he was focused on my friend for some reason and was attentive to this. He seemed unconcerned with me. It seemed like I was viewing from some dark place like the entrance to a cave looking out.
He gazed at us and said, “three of you, oh my, this can get complicated”, and laughed.
There was a slight pause and he confronted my friend with something he had inside that was bringing a pressure he felt in his body . Lujan explained that he saw, through the feeling that my friend was projecting, that his solar plexus was spinning quickly. My friend seemed nervous and appeared to have shuddered physically upon hearing this. He was surprised and asked Lujan to explain.
My friend seemed shocked someone had directly revealed something about him so immediately and accurately. My wife said, “oh no”, as she saw something was occurring that seemed uncomfortable for him. Lujan told her it was good and rephrased what he saw. It seemed to match my friend’s feelings precisely.
I had always sensed something from my friend that was weighing him down but had presumed he had just felt that way. Lujan told him he was strong and as he was physically large he had to be careful not to ever hurt anyone. He was very happy Lujan had spoken so directly not having known him. Everything felt light and good and my friend seemed calmer.
Lujan said we should go into town and we could stop by his house so we could talk more. I felt excited and even more altered. He was empty and I was very comfortable with him.
We rode on the dense forested street into the town to the tattoo shop. I felt like we were communicating without talking while riding on the motorbike. Lujan felt like the aliens in my dreams as a child. He was there and completely present and yet he was not.
The town was nice. There were small piles of trash aside the road that I did not find unsightly amidst the forest and chickens picking their way about discards looking for bugs with smiling Balinese people everywhere. Occasionally small wild looking dogs, which roamed the streets, appeared. They seemed to operate this way amongst the people. Some were very thin and others missing limbs.
I asked why there was so many and Lujan said the people did not see them as a priority, thus they were left to struggle and multiply in this wild fashion. He mentioned that there was rabies on the island and to be careful as the dogs were not socialized and would bite if they felt threatened.
We got to the tattoo shop and I was introduced to the staff. I liked meeting them.
A young girl waiting for her friend asked Lujan if she could see his tattoos and how many he had. She waited for his response shyly as he watched her. He said he had a suit of them over his body and that he didn’t show them beyond what was visible and gave her a friendly smile. She looked curiously at his black tribal arm tattoos smiling, appearing appreciative of his kindness.
We were soon on our way to his house after converting money. I noticed how Lujan had walked at a quick pace with minimal interaction staying only as long as and saying only what was required. I mentioned how I always added too much of myself and he replied that everyone did and we all had to watch out for that. Also how I realized people took as much as they could from me and he said for him it was the same. I was again surprised how open and vulnerable he was as a person, yet equally strong and inaccessible.
There was a balanced guard to him that I had never encountered before. I asked him about the front person at the tattoo shop he had spoken to as I noticed he had felt uncomfortable as Lujan had approached him. He gave him an affectionate pat on the shoulder and seemed to break through his stoic anxious guard. Lujan said he sensed that too but that he wanted to be separate, so he gave him the affection he felt, because he was his friend.
He made a comment on the people that they were very closely bound and asked how I felt around them, I told him that I felt good, I enjoyed the close relations and that they reminded me of the feeling of the Native Americans back home. He nodded confirming and added that they were much softer, thus some who had become corrupted were very sneaky.
I mentioned I had been taken for some money at the airport and he smiled telling me to watch out. I asked if people were aware of him seeing them and he said no. They might feel something, but most people were not aware of being seen.