I cannot sleep until I write this. Jagur jumped into my throat tonight while I was gazing and urged me to growl, so I did and then she growled louder and so I did too and thus here I am to speak what must be spoken. Nagual, my heart is filled with song and tears and laughter. So long, so very long I cannot count the moons and longing for this which you know.
For many years as a child I was assaulted by beings. Sometimes I think sorcerers, or alien beings or both. They tortured me for so many nights I used to dread going to sleep. I would close my eyes and see their dark shadows waiting for me. Why? Who could understand it? How could I tell anyone, how could anyone understand the dread of what they did or what it’s like to lay as a child covered in cold sweat knowing that as soon as I closed my eyes they would come for me. At times they chased me into the waking world. Once I woke myself up from a dream only to see this rotting corpse at the foot of my bed that looked like my boyfriend crawling towards me. I was eighteen.
I know there are those who have watched over me and kept me from complete destruction, speaking here and there while I tried to shut it all out not knowing friend from foe secretly cursing the seers gift and then longing to be one with it. They were so clever at trapping me with this. No more. As I’ve clapped with the light in the dreaming world so I will clap with the light in this world.
Nagual, the purpose of this unfolding I know. My gratitude to you for opening the door. For my heart and my song returned.
Thank you, Lujan, thank you.
Luma Chichiwa (they just told me- Water of Light)