Around one month ago I felt I needed to leave my country and find out what’s in store for me. I decided to come to Latin America and wanted to see Lujan Matus before taking any
other sort of decision. My expectations at that time were a mixture between wanting to be
part of something greater, to put my effort into something that is already making a
difference in the world and wanting to get more secrets, more knowledge and maybe
become some sort of special student of Lujan’s.
Shortly after I arrived in Costa Rica, I wrote to Lujan, not disclosing my expectations of him
at all but only mentioning that I would like to see him. I thought to myself that if I talk to him
in private, he would accept me as a secrete student.
Lujan replied and said that I was welcome to come for a review of the Dragon’s Tears. I
was delighted to accept.
I arrived one week earlier to the location of the tuition and started to train.
One day during the week while relaxing in the couch of my apartment, I suddenly saw
Lujan’s eyes appear out of thin air in front of me.
He then said to me “what you’re coming with isn’t who you truly are”.
I knew what I heard and that made me uncomfortable on the spot. How can he reject me
even if he didn’t see me? I felt diminished and dissapointed with myself. I decided to take it
as a sign that things may not turn out how I expected but I still refused to accept anything
The first two days of the review went as normal. I was overjoyed to see Lujan as he was to
see me. This was the second time I was reviewing the Dragon’s Tears and I was already
getting new details as Lujan increased the technical aspect of the practice. I didn’t bring up
the subject of my visit, hoping to find the perfect moment to talk to him in private.
At the end of the second night, I saw Lujan’s face appear in blackness, just before going to
sleep. He was smiling, looking happy to see me.
On the third day, Lujan turned to me and said:
“I felt something coming from you towards me. I know you came here to punish me. I don’t
want to be punished so we need to discuss this before it happens” he said.
I felt numb. This sounded terribly familiar to me but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I wasn’t
ready to talk about my visit in front of everyone. I felt threatened. As I tried to speak, I felt
my words slip back inside.
“I can see that you want to be my friend and I want to be your friend as well. This is why
we need to discuss openly. What are your expectations of me? Why didn’t you consult
I assured Lujan that I did have plans and that I didn’t come without being able to at least
sustain myself. I said I came to learn secrets. I felt really embarrassed to hear myself say
that in front of everyone and insisted that we talk privately, again avoiding to be
transparent and direct about my intentions.
“Can you understand that by purposely hiding your expectations that obviously include me
as well, you are coming with a weapon behind your back?”
At this point I started becoming aware that Lujan was talking to both myself and something
else, yet that something existed because an alignment with my own corrupt actions. The
impact of my wrong doings started to finally collapse on me and I started feeling
increasingly guilty, slipping into self-pity.
At this point Lujan was carefully following my body language.
As he was describing what he was seeing, I heard myself inquisitively repeating what he
was saying as if I couldn’t understand what he meant. He observed that I was conveniently
forgetting. He was as always right, I was doing this in conversations whenever I needed to
win some extra time to get my story straight. Except there was no way to do this now.
After a moment of silence, I admitted seeing a part of myself that I really did not want to
“Now we’ve got to give it a name. What should that be?” Lujan asked.
As everyone was watching what went on, I felt I couldn’t hide anymore.
“Greed, nastiness, fear” I heard myself say.
At this point I felt devastated. I had been shown something I could not believe was there
and at the same time knew exactly what it was. In my own mind, I believed that the few
months I spent training and practicing had cleared away my shadow and that I was entitled
to something greater. My voice was weak. I felt reduced.
“Would you let a person like that get close to you?” the nagual asked.
“No, I would never let someone like this near me” I said.
Lujan encouraged me again to put everything I wasn’t saying on the table in front of
everyone, but I insisted that we talk privately.
This exchange took a massive amount of energy. Everyone was focused on what was
happening. As Lujan was talking to me I became aware of a dark looming presence in the
room. After we finished discussing, I felt a great burden lift itself and something came out
of the room. Lujan told everyone to bring a new set of clothes the next day.
As we returned to focus on the tuition, Lujan gently touched my shoulder and asked me
how I was. I said I was feeling guilty. He said that I shouldn’t. With his hand on my
shoulder he said with so much love and understanding “you are not alone”.
After everyone left, I sat down and Lujan encouraged me to talk about my fantasies. What
happened next was intense. Looking back at this exchange, I saw how my shadow
returned the moment I was with Lujan. I was still feeling entitled to my expectations and
avidly hoped that he would agree to what I desired. At this point, I started making absurd
and rude demands.
I said that I wanted to be trained by him and that I expected more
knowledge, more secrets. This was way out of place as Lujan had been incredibly
generous with his time and wisdom towards me, allowing me to review the Quetzalcoatl
set and Dragon’s Tears two times already, as well as offering free skype sessions and
answering my emails at all times with utmost dedication and love. I could not believe what
I was saying yet it was me who said it. Lujan’s gaze was impenetrable. He dismantled
every claim I made and continued to encourage me to talk about the side of me that I
wasn’t willing to look at.
I admitted to greed and attachment to financial security but I said that I would prefer to talk
about it in the administration section of the forum.
Even at this stage I was unwilling to be completely open and honest. I found myself
agreeing to whatever Lujan was saying just to make the conversation go away. His gaze
was going straight through my soul, seeing every little hidden corner of it.
As I was preparing to leave, Lujan observed that my shadow didn’t leave me. With a grave
and concerned look, he said I needed to take a very close look at what made me act that
Before falling asleep, I saw Lujan’s face appear in blackness a second time. This time he
wasn’t smiling at all. He was focusing on the nasty part of myself that had just been
revealed during the day. This made me so uncomfortable that I jumped out of bed, feeling
that I needed to run away.
I went straight to my laptop and sent Lujan an email apologizing for what I brought with me
inside of his home and said that I needed to retreat and work on these issues. That night I
had a terrible sleep.
Lujan replied the next morning saying that retreating now was inappropriate because it will
affect the group energy as well as diminish everyone’s confidence and that I already knew
it (which was true, I did consider it and conveniently decided that leaving the group would
have been better for everyone else). Lujan kindly explained that what happened was
meant to happen and that it happened for myself as well as for everyone present. That the
appropriate course of action was to return the energy that was applied to make me aware
of what I needed to be made aware of by seeing the week through to the end.
At the end of his reply, Lujan said something that is deeply relevant to this story and to
what I need to constantly work on: he said I needed to see things from a true perspective
of giving, from which I will receive as I already had received during the week.
I replied early in the morning promising I will see the week through and do my best.
To be continued …
Photo courtesy of Nicolas Gent