During the next two days we continued to discuss the subject in parallel, in the administration forum, as the time left was needed for the tuition of the Dragon’s Tears. Having read this conversation several times, I will attempt to summarize what went on.
I felt like opening up completely, saying everything that was heavy on my heart.Needless to say, it wasn’t pretty to look at.
I admitted in front of everyone that I abused Lujan’s trust and generousness; that I have been shown an ignorant, complacent and greedy part of myself; that I was tired of being closed, afraid and selfish; that I had ignorantly accepted interactions that were unwholesome, disregarding my own heart; that I upheld the elitist belief that my practice over the course of a few months would clear away issues reinforced during a lifetime and that I had abused others who gave of themselves completely, in the past, just like I abused Lujan.
Lujan and the other members of the forum were incredibly loving and supportive. Each reply was genuinely filled with affection and love. I was shown my own inconsistency in assuming responsability over my own actions and identifying with something either foreign or inherited.
That without assuming responsibility, we perpetuate unwholesome behaviour regardless of the fact that we openly discuss about it. I was also shown the value of not doings as ways of dissolving old, core imprints.
On the fourth night of the tuition I saw Lujan’s face one more time appear in blackness. He was smiling again but this time the smile was different. It was compassionate and allknowing. He was looking at my whole self, not only at what I was pushing in front.
On the last day of the tuition, during the morning I broke down and cried witnessing so much love and support coming from everyone. I felt like something solid started to break away and fall. It was at this point when my heart felt the real destructiveness of my projections towards Lujan.
My heart felt his heart being hurt by me. I couldn’t believe I could hurt someone who showed me so much love. And even on that day a part of me still refused to be completely opened about what happened.I started realizing that I had very little discipline in what I was silently projecting towards other people.
I was often not saying what needed to be said at the appropriate time, then ending up projecting negativity towards people, punishing them for my own inability to speak my truth. I did this for such a long time that it became a habit.
I also started looking deeper and deeper into what happened in my past. I saw that I had met incredible people who opened up completely towards me as Lujan did. I always ended up either attempting to control these people or abuse their kindness and openness.
During the next few days I ate very little and fell in a familiar state of complacency. I recognized this state and that it usually followed me running away silently. I vowed not to fall into this again and do my very best to act responsibly towards what just happened.
While I was walking back home after picking up my laundry, words were mixing inside my head. Suddenly, I focused on one word and everything else dissolved and got quiet.
The word was “entitlement”.
As I recognized the energetic implications behind this concept applied to my own past actions, I felt that understanding was physically merging with my being, sealing a part of it. This truly felt unique and I started to see my place in the universe for the first time in years. I saw how I was chasing various things like crazy for the past 7 years.
Experiences, knowledge, interactions, always looking for something external to fix things, rarely turning inwards and working on what’s already there. This is simply not the way and my whole body feels it. The only thing we’re entitled to is what is meant to happen which can only be known the moment it arrives.
Lujan, thank you from all my heart.
Photo courtesy of Siddy Lam