This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship Program was submitted by Ilian. If you would like to vote for Ilian please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
Lujan’s books show something obvious by now. It is so obvious in the news, newspapers and Internet. What we do and say is somehow wrong, misplaced. I felt it for long, both outside and inside me. But everyone was in, so I never voiced what I felt. With Lujan I felt someone is out for the first time, who speaks for the individual’s growth.
His books show clearly what is going on. What I have learned to do is expressed, and this supports me to see it myself. They also reveal an expansive awareness, so open and sharp that I can‘t but say “Oh, why can’t I?”
Many dreams and transformations I experienced since I read his first book. The space here allows me to write only about the last.
I woke up early, it was still dusk outside. I could hardly read from the book I opened upon waking. I wanted to find one quote the previous night but forgot then. After some searching, I read:
“Can you see that there is a cycle of consequence that can be observed in the shadowʼs dream hieroglyph to be multiplicitous, whereas in the hieroglyph of inner light there are only two cycles. As soon as the chain of command is switched between the child and the adult witness, a new dimension of conceptualization appears: the Architect of observation. This is the field of unobstructed absorption of fluid construct, which puts you, the buoyant adult witness, in the twin position of the uninhibited observer.” (from Lujan‘s first book)
The day grew brighter under the cloudy sky. I realized that there are two elements behind what I have written so far on the forum, initiated by Lujan. One was that all my words were just smokescreen for what I didnʼt say explicitly; and this was imparted, as direction, to myself. The other was that they fail to express the dynamics that leads my life. I have tried hard to understand this dynamics and wrote quite many self-reflective posts, observing myself, and they all were but snapshots of something that in reality is never static. The real dynamics comes from outside source, it had moved me throughout life and burdened me with my life experiences. Then I came to the forum and something extraordinary happened, I dreamed myself as a child how I go out of the four walls that had kept me inside as a prisoner. Since that event another dynamics started in my life, inversions of experiences came to me, without my expecting them.
It was just as the book said it would happen to us, until we become composed of void like white light. I knew I wasnʼt there yet, but that was my direction.
Then I thought of something wonderful. Wasnʼt I the same as Lujan, only that he was kept clear and non-contaminated, thanks to his benefactor, outside this construct, yet he had to live here physically, burdened by life experiences as every one of us, until he found his inner child in a dream and then the inversion of his life occurred. It was just the other way around for me – I was kept intact as a prisoner behind four walls inside the construct, and when I read his book and participated in the forum I was freed from inside, let my inner child go and released the dynamics that will lead to completion in my life. As Lujan says on his blog “Your heart is my heart. My heart is yours. As we look within, we reflect what is without.”
I started to search for a notebook to write about the things I have to clear and accounts I have to close before leaving this house to return to my homeland. I was feeling so alone in these empty rooms without my wife next to me, yet when I took the pen to write the list of furniture and accounts, I started spontaneously to say goodbye to each and every corner. I felt, for the first time so strongly, how much I like it, how much I love this apartment, especially after we had reordered it so nicely, and now so soon I have to say goodbye. I knew it is time for parting, that it hurts and that everything ends, with a tear over the shoulder, as the old song goes.
And while I was fumbling in a drawer for a notebook, discarding away a red, almost empty one, with too dense lines in it, and many other full ones, I stumbled upon a light green notebook that had only one line written on its first page by my wife: “la natura dellʼuomo: The nature (essence) of man.” I thought it was empty and its lines were not dense so I flipped it over to the other side to check, and there on the first page were some more Italian words. She studied Italian for a brief time in the past because she was in love then with an Italian man; I think it was her first love, pure and innocent. On the next pages it was filled with formulas and definitions from physics, Maxwellʼs equations, refractive index and so on. This was the occupation she had all her life; she didnʼt like it much, but was pressed to take it. She never felt it to be her true calling but hardly had any other choice. My eyes fell upon her handwriting, her marks; upon the words and the shapes of the letters in those formulas and lines that she had put down; and I felt them so dear to me, I felt her entire being as if she was with me in the room and I wanted to stretch out my hand and caress her…
I could find only one empty notebook, a blue-red one with a mix of violet. I took it for my list, although it too had dense lines like the first one.
If you would like to vote for Ilian please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
Photo courtesy of Palojono