A Return To Heart

This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship Program was submitted by Firegazer. If you would like to vote for Firegazer please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

When I started this journey, I swore to do whatever it took to free my heart. At one with expansiveness as a child I loved all things without thought or judgment. I saw my double when I was five and desperately wanted to pursue a different path than was laid out for me. From the time I was three I knew I would battle for my soul when I got older as I saw a being that wanted to claim me for itself. I tried to hide from forces I didn’t understand while at the same time confronting my fears and pursuing a level of peace and love I felt were absent in my upbringing.

Growing up I had many instances of déjà vu and expanded perception and wondered what was developing on my path. In my late teens and early twenties I began hearing my voice sometimes change to that of a Native American. The yearning for a different life grew and I often cried as I prayed to Spirit night after night. I had seen the beast in my dad’s eyes when I was six and was often preoccupied with analyzing him and watching for “its” return. At times those same eyes manifested in me and I was searching to resolve this acquisition when I encountered Castaneda’s books. These writings resonated with me, but I eventually latched onto struggling for power as I was still aligned with my fear and descended into dark focus.

After years of struggling for freedom, my personal challenges came to a head two years ago when I fell into a hell of heart-deceit and self-sabotage. I nearly lost the battle I had seen the prelude to years ago. Ironically I had come across Lujan’s first book several months earlier when searching “Matus” one last time on Amazon, trying to find anything in relation to the infinite wisdom of Don Juan. I was sure the haunted awareness Lujan wrote of did not apply to me as I was on the “spiritual path”. I knew I would meet Lujan and then my grandeur would be validated. As it turned out I set up Skype sessions trembling with fear and self-doubt but hoping to reclaim my heart. I had stopped my compromising behaviors that were destroying my marriage and myself, but I was barely hanging on. I was lost.

When I first spoke with Lujan I heard myself utter words I never thought I would say…“I don’t know who I am anymore.” He laughed and asked me, “That’s a good thing isn’t it?” I had to agree, it was a really good thing as now I had the chance to rebuild without distortion.

When Lujan and I met, I felt I’d known him before. He saw a Native American man present himself thru me and my life long feelings of being an Indian in my soul were confirmed. This would have validated me in the past but, being exposed to Lujan’s heart revitalizing knowledge, it gripped me in softness and has purposed me to keep letting go of illusion. Lujan is a blessing to me as he has been a major catalyst in helping me grow my love and rebuild my relationship with my soul mate. When I was six I drew a picture of Lujan and encountering him has been like returning home among the stars. Rising to the challenge of opening to the light has required clearing out dark places of secret denials, deception, and attachment to drama.

The last time we visited him, my deep resentment towards being loved was brought to the surface. My wife and I have spent the months since then recapitulating the ways I had learned to run from her love, hide from myself, and lie to cover it all up. As a child, my wife was identified to Lujan as someone that needed his protection. That she would need to be protected from me again brings me to my knees.

Lujan and my wife helped me see and thus sever my alignment with the shadow that distorts perception. Returning to love has been a process. Claiming freedom is an every moment choice of how to live: Open and honest, integral and free, empty and totally present in heart awareness. The path we are walking with Lujan is a formless journey of returning to the power of our true selves, embodying the light we are at our core, and returning to love.

Lujan’s shamanic movements have helped me empty myself and embrace gentleness. The exquisite beauty and purpose of these movements is beyond description and yet infinitely tangible. I am applying for the opportunity to receive the gift of gifts from the nagual so I may continue on this path with heart, further embrace love, and be of service.

Love and Harmony,

If you would like to vote for Firegazer please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

Photo courtesy of Fran Tapia

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  1. firegazer i feel the return to heart and love that you are becoming. it brings tears to me, for all men and women and this ancient wounded dynamic between the sexes. blessings & a vote. lovelovelove

  2. Beautifully written. Your words feel so clean and free.

    Love to you

  3. thank you for sharing

  4. The depth of your story is remarkable. Clearly you have found a heroic soul mate. What a blessing.

  5. truthful and beautiful

  6. Im my mind I just get a fire for you started, firegazer, and it shines bright….


  7. The ancient drum beating in your heart, together with your loving gentleness are a wonder to behold.

    Much love to you warrior brave.

  8. Beautiful heart and soul.

  9. My heart goes out to you… may you have peace and strength on this difficult journey, the lack of love & acceptance plagues far too many souls during these times.

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