I’ve never met anyone like Lujan, and having met him, the only thing that I am certain about is that I haven’t, for he is both the same and yet constantly changing. His sentences are not linear but rather volumetric, with words, meanings, and associations hitting my heart like rain and, in their impressions, defining interiors of myself that I didn’t know were there. Then, in the silent lee of that deluge, behind my heart, was his ineffable gesture, illuminating the freedom of the possible human, the possible me.
Filled with guilt after the end of my 35-year marriage, I had pushed the send button on an e-mail to Mizpah, enrolling in three Transformational Healing and Meditation Skype sessions with Lujan. Within moments of the send, for no apparent reason, I began crying uncontrollably. It was like opening a can of soda, with memories from throughout my life fizzing up through my body to the surface and dissipating in tears. I hadn’t cried like that since my grandfather’s death when I was six. Twenty or so minutes into it, I was suddenly hauled up short as a cold presence occupied the room. One moment I was crying uncontrollably, the next I was acutely focused at my one o’clock and on the visual impression of a balloon trailing an etheric cord at the end of which was a 110V plug that was unplugged. I burnt some sage and contemplated the image that had accompanied the balloon. The image was that of the central fear of my life.
In the first Skype session, Lujan led me through the first three gates of internal silence. It seemed easy enough, though he made me nervous as hell with the unpredictability of his conversation and the accuracy of his observations. It was apparent that he had an inexplicable access to my history and my thoughts and feelings. The fact that he then very lucidly explained how he achieved that access did nothing to ease my anxiety. The session ended, though, in a remarkable state of silence and I promised to practice the first three gates until the next session. This I did with some success when I was walking or driving but I was unable to do so around people.
The beginning of the second session was like being caught with crib notes during a final exam. I was trying to be silent but couldn’t. My nervousness was back ten-fold. Lujan, laughing all the while, empathetically explained to me that the first obstacle to internal silence is the shame, regret, and fear that drives our internal dialogue. Once that dialogue begins to shut down, we are confronted with its source. I knew what he was talking about but didn’t want to talk about it. He also stated that there are four days between the decision to change and the act of changing. Again, though, the session ended in a remarkable state of silence.
Four days later, at the beginning of the third session, I told him my central fear. It was a blessed relief to put that on the table and have it defused by the integrity of his supportive neutrality. He then went on to lead me through the next five gates, which arrive at the void behind the heart. The session ended in a remarkable place of silent well-being and with a belly laugh on my part that I didn’t know that I had.
It’s been a week since the last session. Something in my past has resolved. I am not always in my center, far from it, but I know the way in and can get there when I attend to it. Now it’s a matter of practice. Not bad for three hours of Skype. Thank you, Lujan, for your time, integrity, and knowledge. As you said, we’ll meet again, my friend.