This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Angelika.
This year the scholarship includes a choice of either: attendance at the Dragon’s Tears Workshop in the Canary Islands from August 2nd-8th – or – participation on the online Transformational Healing and Meditation program.
If you would like to offer your support for Angelika please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
I want to write something with the energy I know I have residing inside me.
As I write this, I feel sorrow and it connects me to my depth. I wonder whether it will always be like that, I seem to reach my essence through sorrow, or perhaps I have to reach through the sorrow to my essence.
I am very new to Lujan’s work. About 6 months ago I came across his name, and very untypically I can’t remember how. This is my second draft, the first one I rushed off because of the previous deadline, and although I spoke my truth in it, I felt I had stayed on the surface.
One of my deepest desires is to find a way to communicate with words that which is alive and vital in the present. In itself I find this nourishing and satisfying, but I also feel that that way I really share of myself with others, in innocence.
My life has been full of challenges and incredible gifts. The gifts came freely, and were never sought. They came when I desired something with my totality, without caring about any outcome. I guess it was my passionate heart leading with total surrender. Some of it, maybe all of it, would be considered foolish, and to my socialised self it was. But my wilder side would often win out, and the gifts were priceless, and always something other than what I thought I wanted.
I sense some of this wildness in Lujan, a commitment to life in its raw form. Maybe I recognise in him what I have lost contact with over the last decade. Losing touch with my wilder side has cost me health wise. I have recently had hip surgery and am still in recovery as I am writing this. However, had I been well, I would probably have been too busy to sit and write this.
I am constantly facing this kind of paradox, and imagine it’s a reflection of my wavering between what Lujan calls the social self and my deepest heartfelt being. When I listen in (to what I can’t hear) there is sorrow and longing and the faintest daring of hope that life can be as magical, as beautiful and sacred as I have had the grace to know it to be, but could not sustain this as an ongoing experience.
Sometimes I feel I have betrayed myself, given that I have had extraordinary, utterly real and profound experiences of such beauty and depth and nourishment and yet I have craved the acceptance of others in my world and therefore often allowed myself to be pulled in directions that were ultimately empty and often painful.
I used to read a lot of Castaneda’s books and those of his associates, but in the end was left feeling that something was missing. What reassured me, even soothed me during my first contact with Lujan was how he spoke about his relationship. It was as if I heard a man speak, for the first time, to the deepest pain in my heart.
Tenderness, sharing, openness, unafraid loving of another human being, passion and emotional/sexual transparency have always been what I both longed for and wanted to live. In the process of making a place for myself in this world this innocent part of me has got very hurt and has, no doubt, unintentionally hurt others, perhaps, even at times, intentionally, from that wounding.
Knowing this is painful, yet I have felt at a loss about how to be close to others without this enormous risk. Something about Lujan’s words to me (I have not met him yet, only twice on skype) opened a door to the possibility of living life like this, without giving up participation in ordinary life, which is very important to me. It feels scary and exciting to feel hope again that this might be possible, and that there may be a path that supports what are my deepest values.
I am 67, have two children and three grandsons under 5. I practice as a psychotherapist and feel closest to my depth during my work. I am deeply grateful for the trust and intimacy that I have the privilege to share with so many in that context. However, if I can live the remainder of my life dedicated to living like this also in my very personal life I feel I will be able to give something to my children and grandchildren, and anyone I come into contact with, that they are free to engage with, or not. But I will be fulfilling what I came here for, on all levels.
I have been reading the “Whisperings of the Dragon” and am looking forward to entering into it more deeply. Even writing this application has been an unexpected and challenging journey. I have connected to my inner silence to write this and hope that those who will read it will feel me a little.
Thank you Lujan, and thank you for reading.