The Interconnectedness of All Things

spiritual-energy

This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship  was submitted by Angelika. 

This year the scholarship includes a choice of either: attendance at the Dragon’s Tears Workshop in the Canary Islands from August 2nd-8th – or – participation on the online Transformational Healing and Meditation program.

If you would like to offer your support for Angelika please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

I want to write something with the energy I know I have residing inside me.
As I write this, I feel sorrow and it connects me to my depth. I wonder whether it will always be like that, I seem to reach my essence through sorrow, or perhaps I have to reach through the sorrow to my essence.

I am very new to Lujan’s work. About 6 months ago I came across his name, and very untypically I can’t remember how. This is my second draft, the first one I rushed off because of the previous deadline, and although I spoke my truth in it, I felt I had stayed on the surface.

One of my deepest desires is to find a way to communicate with words that which is alive and vital in the present. In itself I find this nourishing and satisfying, but I also feel that that way I really share of myself with others, in innocence.

My life has been full of challenges and incredible gifts. The gifts came freely, and were never sought. They came when I desired something with my totality, without caring about any outcome. I guess it was my passionate heart leading with total surrender. Some of it, maybe all of it, would be considered foolish, and to my socialised self it was. But my wilder side would often win out, and the gifts were priceless, and always something other than what I thought I wanted.

I sense some of this wildness in Lujan, a commitment to life in its raw form. Maybe I recognise in him what I have lost contact with over the last decade. Losing touch with my wilder side has cost me health wise. I have recently had hip surgery and am still in recovery as I am writing this. However, had I been well, I would probably have been too busy to sit and write this.

I am constantly facing this kind of paradox, and imagine it’s a reflection of my wavering between what Lujan calls the social self and my deepest heartfelt being. When I listen in (to what I can’t hear) there is sorrow and longing and the faintest daring of hope that life can be as magical, as beautiful and sacred as I have had the grace to know it to be, but could not sustain this as an ongoing experience.

Sometimes I feel I have betrayed myself, given that I have had extraordinary, utterly real and profound experiences of such beauty and depth and nourishment and yet I have craved the acceptance of others in my world and therefore often allowed myself to be pulled in directions that were ultimately empty and often painful.

I used to read a lot of Castaneda’s books and those of his associates, but in the end was left feeling that something was missing. What reassured me, even soothed me during my first contact with Lujan was how he spoke about his relationship. It was as if I heard a man speak, for the first time, to the deepest pain in my heart.

Tenderness, sharing, openness, unafraid loving of another human being, passion and emotional/sexual transparency have always been what I both longed for and wanted to live. In the process of making a place for myself in this world this innocent part of me has got very hurt and has, no doubt, unintentionally hurt others, perhaps, even at times, intentionally, from that wounding.

Knowing this is painful, yet I have felt at a loss about how to be close to others without this enormous risk. Something about Lujan’s words to me (I have not met him yet, only twice on skype) opened a door to the possibility of living life like this, without giving up participation in ordinary life, which is very important to me. It feels scary and exciting to feel hope again that this might be possible, and that there may be a path that supports what are my deepest values.

I am 67, have two children and three grandsons under 5. I practice as a psychotherapist and feel closest to my depth during my work. I am deeply grateful for the trust and intimacy that I have the privilege to share with so many in that context. However, if I can live the remainder of my life dedicated to living like this also in my very personal life I feel I will be able to give something to my children and grandchildren, and anyone I come into contact with, that they are free to engage with, or not. But I will be fulfilling what I came here for, on all levels.

I have been reading the “Whisperings of the Dragon” and am looking forward to entering into it more deeply. Even writing this application has been an unexpected and challenging journey. I have connected to my inner silence to write this and hope that those who will read it will feel me a little.

Thank you Lujan, and thank you for reading.

With love
Angelika

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16 Comments
  1. that was beautiful, thank you!

  2. Dearest Angelika,
    What a beautiful name. Your vulnerability to express yourself deeply, touched the rawness in me. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly.
    Georgina

    • Dear Georgina

      I used to dislike my name! Thank,you for your comment, I have found that participating in this blog and the applications started a journey that is still ongoing and I have felt awed and touched by many of the other applications. There is so much to say and also in the end so little

      I hope we meet one day.

  3. Your heart in this inspired mine. May you fulfill all your heart desires.

    • Dear Tod

      Thank you! Every day a bit of that is happening!

  4. Beautiful transformation in your story. I have always believed that if psychiatry and psychology were to connect with Lujan’s wisdom, the world would begin to change rapidly. As one changes, two change, then four, then eight. When we reach half, the next step is the whole.

    • Sugrue

      I read and reread your comment, and really enjoy the energy in your vision. I also believe this and intend to continue contributing in this way as much as I can.

  5. There is a raw vulnerability in your writing that reallly made me stop and pause and read again. That wildness that you speak of is something that I also feel connected to at times and miss greatly when it is gone. I agree, wildness is connected to our genuine selves and away from a self-conscious self. Your writing moved me in many ways. Thank you for your outpouring of feelings and eloquent words. That is one of your gifts. I can feel it.

    • Dear Soo Young lee

      Thank,you for,your comments. It was writing this application that made me remember the wildness and realise that that is part of what draws me to want to work with Lujan.
      I was very touched by your last sentence. I love writing poetry and feel there is poetry in what we share here.

  6. It’s hard not to think of your sorrow as a reflection of your heart’s genuine capacity to love. Especially refreshing is your dedication to participating in ordinary life. You’ve revealed the breadth of maturity, as beautifully portrayed in your choice of portraits. Thank you.

    • Jerry Lee

      Thank you for your comments.

      You are right about the sorrow, and it was very heart warming to read this. As was your comment about how much I care about staying connected with “ordinary” life. I feel very passionate about this, probably partly a reaction to having encountered too many misguided “spiritual” teachers and teachings.

  7. I’m glad you listened to your heart and allowed it to speak freely the second time. It came through clear and strong.

    Good luck,
    Love, Luma

  8. A heartfelt and clear testimony of intent
    Best wishes, Angelika.

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