The Call of Silence

silence

This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Soo Young Lee.

This year the scholarship includes a choice of either: attendance at the Dragon’s Tears Workshop in the Canary Islands from August 2nd-8th – or – participation on the online Transformational Healing and Meditation program.

If you would like to offer your support for Soo Young please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

“The simple answer to this quandary is to accept and take responsibility, thus neutralizing one’s self-importance through withdrawing that mood and becoming of service to that which cannot be controlled.” –Lujan Matus

I am responsible. My current struggle is a reflection of my previous actions and choices. Because of my inability to see certain aspects of myself, I am slowly crumbling apart. I have come full circle back to my anxious, socialized self after experiencing a period of grace and freedom. But all is not lost.

After my partner and I had private sessions with Lujan to learn Dragon’s Tears, I came back home with clarity, my life unfolding with understanding. Lujan’s teachings and movements helped me see my conditioned, defensive habits and encouraged me to embrace my true essence.

My energy was suddenly freed up and reclaimed by all that I was not doing and by saying no to endless forms of distractions. My vulnerability became my strength that I could communicate clearly with my love and stand in my power with softness.

Each time I felt anger or judgment arise through interactions with others, I could see those very things in myself like the movements in Dragon’s Tears that point and coil outward to only come back to me with fingers directed inward.

Lujan wrote, “We are surrounded by more than what we expect. We are at the moment freeing ourselves from our encasement; collectively and individually.” Humbled and ashamed, I began to shed my false self. I was able to recognize what I needed to let go of. I was truly experiencing moments of lightness and felt connected to a place of silence that hummed with energy.

Every day, words flowed out from my heart as I wrote as easily as breathing. In these flashes, I felt chills run and up and down my body. I understood what I am meant to do with this lifetime, to share my experiences as my path unfolded, to communicate the insights sparked by working with my Teacher. I found precious pockets of silence within. There were long moments of no self-talk, no words.

Then it happened, about six weeks later, I forgot Lujan’s statement, “Personal power is an impersonal affair that can only be applied, not acquired.” I tried to control and prolong my spiritual high as if there was a limited supply of it. I let worry fill my head with chatter keeping me unavailable to the possibilities of what can actually be perceived. Lujan wrote,” If you use any circumstance as a vehicle of validation, you follow a road that entraps and imprisons you. If you go the way of service and not seeking recognition, you embark on a magical path, upon which you have no idea where you’re going to end up.”

Validation comes in many forms and is cunning in its approach. There are clear markers of my sins that pull me away from innocence and compel me toward control: anxious preoccupation, ego-driven actions that seek false safety and a false sense of worth. Even with the purest hopes, I blindly hijacked the very ways of doing and being that I wanted to release and let them block my evolution.

When we see the signposts of validation and preoccupation in our life path, we must stop and observe ourselves before plodding along.

Lujan explains how the unresolved inner child’s immature desires and self-serving preoccupations taint our perceptions and actions when caught in Haunted Awareness. Because of my past, I sometimes question if I am worthy of love and good experiences; so when I feel my life is blessed, I tend to grasp at it as if it is my last taste of joy. We can carry aspects of our core fears and habits into the practice of our best intentions including our spiritual growth, creative endeavors, and loving relationships. We must sincerely be aware of ourselves.

There is no place safe from our conditioned humanization except in silence. In this silence, we are in our hearts and no words can express the peace and power that resides there. Lujan’s guidance is the light directing me back to this quiet void.

So I begin again, feeling disoriented but with a recollection of a beautiful silence. It speaks volumes to me. I find it calling me again. I am responsible for cultivating all that supports my growth and evolution. It begins with letting go and not doing. Lujan’s words are reminders to come back home to the wondrous notes of inner silence.

My heartfelt desire is to continue this essential work. I choose this path, the path Lujan revealed to me by clearing the fallen leaves of my mind and pointing the way to truth. I am forever grateful.

Thank you,
Soo Young Lee

baby me

 

 

 

 

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19 Comments
  1. Soo Young there was a glitch and the comments box wasn’t showing. People can now leave comments.

  2. “There is no place safe from our conditioned humanization except in silence.” I love that. Thank you Soo Young Lee.

  3. let peace and power reside within you

  4. What a beautiful photo. A beautiful revealing choice. Your account flows like a heartbeat in and out of the struggle and repose of our challenge. It is a path as you say. Twice you cited the efficacy of service. Like a clue speaking to the moment you’re in. Clearly you’re headed in a fantastic direction.

    • Dear Jerry, thank you for your comment. It made me think about the word “service” that I often stumble over because my culture has taught that we always forgo our true feelings over the service of our elders. So even though I know the true nature of service in a way that benefits everyone, I don’t think I truly embody it. I did not even realize I quoted that word twice. I think that is revealing about my own inner process. I appreciate your words, they helped me become aware of myself.

  5. Your words ring true, Soo Young. There is a pathos in your telling of a paradise lost but found again, both through Lujan’s path of silence and through your heart’s desire. “Validation comes in many forms and is cunning in its approach.” I too feel this insidious tendency and, like you, am aware that only the inner path of silent knowing, which leads to a true presence of being, can free us from this selfish preoccupation. There is a yearning in your words and an innocence that is refreshing.

    Your inner child is beautiful!

    • Dear Elizabeth, thank you for your kind words. It feels like a tricky thing for me. I yearn for so much and want so much but this often leads me to control and force. I often ask myself this question of how do I move towards what I feel in my heart without it becoming a pursuit. I have not idea of the answers but more aware of what I don’t want to do. But maybe this is how we can begin, by seeing what is not with integrity and then holding the question in our heart and see what unfolds. I hope we all meet in the silence we all find within.

  6. Thank you to all of those who left a reply. To see my words echoed in your responses and to feel your feelings in the words you shared filled my heart. It is not easy to write about our experiences with our Teacher, Lujan because words do not do justice to the events that reveal themselves. I am so encouraged that so many of us are on this journey together and sharing openly what we see. It helps me feel less alone and more helpful.

  7. Soo Young, your clarity continues to shine.

  8. Dearest Soo Young,
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey. Through your story, I appreciate your struggle with yourself and being vigilant against the entrapment of social conditioning. I get that, especially the grasping of the “good” aspects of life out of fear that will be the only one, or the only time. The self-worth and social conditioning conundrum speaks to me, as I am sure it speaks to many women. Your experience via your words are already serving Soo Young!
    Thank you.
    Love, Georgina

  9. What a beautiful photo! I feel her speaking through your story and I was reminded of all the times when I have tried (in vain) to hold on to special states or experiences only to make them go faster. It’s hard to unlearn this but worth it. There is so much beauty in everything As there is in your telling your story.

    Good luck with your application

  10. I feel the yearning of your heart for that silent and majestic place where we embrace ourselves for who we are. It is within and it is where our true power lies.

    Much love,
    Luma

  11. Wow, Soo Young. Your writing is beautiful and the way you bring forth Lujan’s words and then describe how they have affected you… it even drives the words deeper and clarifies their meaning further.

    Thank you. <3

  12. Thank you for the supportive comments everyone. Georgina and Angelika, I think we all have been conditioned to grasp at so many things. It is such a difficult challenge because we stumble on the beautiful moments of life and know in our hearts they will pass until next time. But I think we believe that we arrived there by some sort of control or plan. I see that is rarely the case but my mind still wants to hold onto that. I hope we all find our way through our discoveries and awareness. I am grateful to Lujan for bringing this community together.

  13. Being called by the silence is a true gift of power. You should be feeling blesses. I have not met many to be so comfortable in the presence of silence, yet not many seeks it, although they say, they do!
    Maybe what Lujan is doing here is that brings us together, I do not know, but i like you and others that I met though the applications.
    See ya

    • Thank you Bralgei. I do feel blessed when I can find the silence. The challenge for me is to not feel cursed when I am caught in the internal dialogue. I need to remember the practice and know that there are steps or doing and not doing that may bring me back to a place of silent peace. Good luck with your journey.

  14. Soo Young, this was a very powerful writing, reminding me to observe myself ever more. Inner silence engenders instant communion and quells my fears that otherwise cloud my heart clarity in a swirling mix of inner dialogue and panic feelings. “There is no place safe from our conditioned humanization except in silence.” This is so true. For me there is no safe place except in silence-because it is instant beingness and in that state there is calm, caring, and love-a purpose to just be here in love in which a feeling rises and takes over, that everything will be okay no matter what we are facing and no matter what may happen. With love-thank you.

    • Tod, I appreciate your mirroring of my words with your experience. Your words help me understand what needs to be done and what needs to be released. Thank you.

  15. soo young i feel your sincerity and a growing field of stillness within you, as you know more about silence than you realise, because it is intact, with your innocence, there underneath what you have been taught in terms of cultural social behaviour. it comes through. good luck.

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