This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Dustin Payne.
This year the scholarship includes a choice of either: attendance at the Dragon’s Tears Workshop in the Canary Islands from August 2nd-8th – or – participation on the online Transformational Healing and Meditation program.
If you would like to offer your support for Dustin please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
Change is both interesting and necessary. In my experience, if I don’t have the insight to make a change, life will make it for me. Sometimes, a completely random event happens that doesn’t seem to make sense. Even though it can seem harsh or devastating, it’s often a blessing in disguise.
There are so many lessons from Lujan that seem relevant to my story. For instance, doing versus not doing, observing rather than interfering, and getting what you need rather than what you want. They all played an important role in my process of finding peace in an unfolding of events that shook my core.
About three years ago my mother passed away very suddenly, leaving me and my stepfather behind. She was so full of life and young at heart, that we were completely caught off guard. My stepfather was left grief stricken, heartbroken and with no desire to live. Fortunately, he moved to Hawaii and reconnected with his daughter and grandchildren from his previous marriage. I, on the other hand, was left trying to hold the pieces together. What I really needed was to fall apart and grieve, but I didn’t. Call it shock or just being too afraid to face my emotions, I wouldn’t allow myself this most human reaction. I also couldn’t seem to find any understanding regarding her death even as the years passed.
My mother and I were very close, so it made sense for me to mourn her passing. However, instead of releasing my anguish, I bottled it up. This sort of reaction was a long time in the making. Over the course of my life, I learned to numb my feelings, conceal my emotions and manipulate the world around me. This was my handy way of protecting myself to avoid injury from others and was also a poor example of the emotional, sensitive child I once was. I had put on so many disguises that I began to fool myself, but there was one person who saw right through them.
Last year I met Lujan and was fortunate enough to learn Dragon’s Tears with the love of my life. This was an experience like no other, and I suggest anyone who wants to know themselves on many different levels to give it a try. I truly believed I would achieve some sort of outcome when meeting Lujan, that this was just another part of my big plan, that he would see something special in me and I would be recognized as having some sort of special purpose. Well as it turns out, some of this happened, but not quite how I expected. Instead, he saw my controlling tactics, my not so hidden talent of being the center of attention and my inability to express my feelings. This is the truth of what I was doing and who I was being, and he let me know it.
Shortly after our visit with Lujan, we received a call from my stepsister. My stepfather was in the hospital with stage-four cancer throughout his abdomen. My love and I flew to Hawaii to say goodbye, which I never had a chance to say with my mom, and we got to meet the family we never knew we had. We went to say goodbye and instead, we said hello.
When talking with my stepsister, after my stepfather’s passing, she said, “Through this grief and sadness we found each other. It is the bright and shiny silver lining of a sad grey cloud.” All of the sudden, it dawned on me that the peace I was looking for in my mother’s passing had suddenly come without me looking for it. If my mother had not passed, my step-father would have never reunited with his daughter, and we would have never visited Hawaii, where we met our new family and found our new home.
Life has peculiar ways of setting things into motion. It forced upon me a situation I could not control or manipulate. I had to just sit back and observe what was happening and to act accordingly only when it was appropriate. Lujan has shown me this, but until I experienced it for myself, I could not see it. The peace I so yearned for came from something beyond my control.
Through all of Lujan’s teachings, the one lesson that sticks out for me the most is to not interfere. What I’ve come to realize is when we do what we need and not what we want, we will often be shown the way to our salvation. Life handles everything, we only need to witness the process, and eventually, we will see the silver lining. I hope that Lujan will continue to shine his light on my path, so that I will continue to see that ever-escaping moment.