I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile now. Ever since reading/listening to your second, third, and fourth books there has been a desire to reach out to you, but on top of that desire there has been a stronger energy that has, until now, held me back. This energy consists of a not knowing of what to say. A feeling that whatever I will say will come from the wrong place – will only be self-validating and thus entrapping. Even now I reread every sentence that I put down and want to erase it because it seems to be nonsense, like social programming chatter.
One reason it is so hard for me to write you is because there is tremendous fear. There is within me a fear of you despite the fact I’ve never even met you. This fear comes from the piece within me that desires so much to not be lost and I believe your gifts are such that you will see right through me, know me as one of those who are inescapably trapped within the internal dialogue and to have that presented to me is terrifying.
In my mind I have built you up as the mirror I never want to glance at. But at the same time I have an urge to glance. I want to see. I want to see me for who I am. But I just wonder what part within me it is that wants to see… I feel there is a dark part of me that truly desires to know I am a hopeless case, that wants more than anything else to be lost. But there is also within me a light that knows that life is beyond magical, truly beyond what thought can grasp, and wants to fully partake in and surrender to the Universe’s calling.
I stop myself from reaching out because there is a desire to say the “right” things, and I tell myself I don’t know how to speak from the heart. But trying to say right things is speaking from the the mind, not the heart. Speaking from the heart has no right and wrong, only truth. So what is the truth here?
The truth here is hard for me to say. The truth is that I have found you Lujan and as a child cries out to escape a nightmare I too am wanting to cry out to you, but I fear that if I say the wrong words I will be left in this nightmare to fend for myself. There is so much folly in this, but this is the truth.
What does this truth say about me?
It says I don’t believe in myself. It says that I am wanting another to save me, when I am the only one who can possibly save myself. But… is it wrong to seek help?
Part of me says yes – this is the part that holds me back. But part of me says no and this is the part that I am letting take control right now.
P.S. Thank you very much for sharing wisdom through your writings and books.
There is really nothing to say to you other than I accept what you have said. The most important part of your journey is honesty, firstly to yourself, until the veil of lies that everybody else projects becomes clear.
This may take your whole life to achieve. Can you tell me anything else that is more right than actually truly being human?
To accept your own strengths and your failings as a path that you must irreversibly walk. Only accepting that which you cannot understand nor see will give you the capacity to grow within the delicate path that is yours.
And yes the world is rampant with social doings but in the midst of that, if you wait patiently, a flicker of hope always appears in a gesture that has kindness and truth within a sincere touch. There you will find the next place to commence your journey upon the only path available to you and which direction to proceed because of that and this is all that matters.
Kindness within truth. Truth within kindness.