Kindness Within Truth. Truth Within Kindness.

truth

Dear Lujan,

I’ve been wanting to write you for awhile now. Ever since reading/listening to your second, third, and fourth books there has been a desire to reach out to you, but on top of that desire there has been a stronger energy that has, until now, held me back. This energy consists of a not knowing of what to say. A feeling that whatever I will say will come from the wrong place – will only be self-validating and thus entrapping. Even now I reread every sentence that I put down and want to erase it because it seems to be nonsense, like social programming chatter.

One reason it is so hard for me to write you is because there is tremendous fear. There is within me a fear of you despite the fact I’ve never even met you. This fear comes from the piece within me that desires so much to not be lost and I believe your gifts are such that you will see right through me, know me as one of those who are inescapably trapped within the internal dialogue and to have that presented to me is terrifying.

In my mind I have built you up as the mirror I never want to glance at. But at the same time I have an urge to glance. I want to see. I want to see me for who I am. But I just wonder what part within me it is that wants to see… I feel there is a dark part of me that truly desires to know I am a hopeless case, that wants more than anything else to be lost. But there is also within me a light that knows that life is beyond magical, truly beyond what thought can grasp, and wants to fully partake in and surrender to the Universe’s calling.

I stop myself from reaching out because there is a desire to say the “right” things, and I tell myself I don’t know how to speak from the heart. But trying to say right things is speaking from the the mind, not the heart. Speaking from the heart has no right and wrong, only truth. So what is the truth here?

The truth here is hard for me to say. The truth is that I have found you Lujan and as a child cries out to escape a nightmare I too am wanting to cry out to you, but I fear that if I say the wrong words I will be left in this nightmare to fend for myself. There is so much folly in this, but this is the truth.

What does this truth say about me?

It says I don’t believe in myself. It says that I am wanting another to save me, when I am the only one who can possibly save myself. But… is it wrong to seek help?

Part of me says yes – this is the part that holds me back. But part of me says no and this is the part that I am letting take control right now.

Sincerely,
Christopher

P.S. Thank you very much for sharing wisdom through your writings and books.

There is really nothing to say to you other than I accept what you have said. The most important part of your journey is honesty, firstly to yourself, until the veil of lies that everybody else projects becomes clear.

This may take your whole life to achieve. Can you tell me anything else that is more right than actually truly being human?

To accept your own strengths and your failings as a path that you must irreversibly walk. Only accepting that which you cannot understand nor see will give you the capacity to grow within the delicate path that is yours.

And yes the world is rampant with social doings but in the midst of that, if you wait patiently, a flicker of hope always appears in a gesture that has kindness and truth within a sincere touch. There you will find the next place to commence your journey upon the only path available to you and which direction to proceed because of that and this is all that matters.

Kindness within truth. Truth within kindness.

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10 Comments
  1. Chris, you have written with power and that comes from your true self, your heart.

  2. Hello Christopher,

    Thank you for sharing such a brave and honest account of how you are feeling.

    I often struggle to know if I am speaking or writing from my heart or my head, the constant interruptions of mental judgement, justification, and criticism is enough to confuse and make me feel hopeless.
    I try to nurture myself and seek guidance from a daily dose of meditation, re-reading passages in Lujan’s book’s, inspirational writing’s and listening to sacred music.

    If I can watch my mental torment and disregard it by an act of kindness it gives me hope.

    Yesterday I was about to sit in the garden chair only to notice my nine year old grand daughter eagerly slipping a nice soft cushion on my chair seat for my comfort. She smiled radiantly putting both hands on heart she told me how lovely it made her feel.

    It is good to ask for guidance, and from what I understand everything is as it should be and by that I mean, we will experience what we need, to become aware and re-remember who we are.

    Oh and oodles of patience absolutely necessary too.

    xx Mary xx

  3. When i looked on yor writings all the cells of my body listened to you, so i agree with the first comment of David

    Thank you Chris and Lujan for the light we all need to become the caretaker of the planet

  4. “Speaking from the heart has no right and wrong, only truth.” thankyou christopher for sharing, your honesty is refreshing and open. Learning to be really honest with myself has been so far a very magical journey for me, and as lujan says, it develops your capacity to see the veil of lies that everybody else projects. If you stay honest and humble and keep accepting the truth of your feelings, you stay in your heart, you will help yourself as that acceptance is love too.. and you will be open to receiving the help that life continually offers. I feel that the most damaged state a human can be in is the state of disconnection from the true feelings within and being invested in the social mask they have attached to – for that blocks honesty with self, so it blocks self love & acceptance, so it blocks honesty with others and perception of the truth in general. All these blocks to protect ideas & to control emotions, yet without self love, the denied emotions will often lead to drama and bad feelings anyway. This path leads nowhere but in loops upon itself. If you are not sure what to say, and afraid of saying the wrong thing, and you know it & can express that instead of a mask, then you are in the right truth for now. I laughed when i realised how simple the truth is, and how we don’t have to be perfect, or anything other than how we are feeling. Everything changes constantly, so that current feeling will develop. At least we can make sure we develop from a true place. thankyou for your post.

  5. Thanx for sharing from your heart, indeed the more honest we are with ourselves the more of our true identity we encompass and reveal. Society imprints us to live life as an imposter following a false narative and shedding this monumental piece of fiction that we have invested so much effort in upholding and adhering to is no easy task. We must fearlessly want change and also be able to imagine what that change will be like for if we can imagine it then it must be possible. We will be tested all the way to the finishing line. However we must remember that the universal equalizer will always serve us the resurces and strength to meet whatever challenges that present themselves and this my friend we must always believe in and then with true conviction we can indeed smile because we are on the winning team :0) Bless You.

    • Dear Christopher

      Thank you so much for your brave post, you have certainly spoken for me too.

      The word honesty sounds so simple. What I am increasingly finding since connecting with Lujan is that the truest response for me is often to say nothing, and then strangely something sometimes arises and there is no internal dialogue about whether it is honest or not, is just is.
      Writing this I want to qualify, these are baby steps on a journey of undoing.

      Love to you on your journey x
      Angelika

  6. Reaching out often leads to welcoming back, I find that very challenging. Yet when I open and let go I feel a reunion. What appeared as another or beyond melts away with the hold.

  7. Welcome. Christopher, you’re in a safe place to explore yourself here and I wish you all the strength and courage on your journey. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Thank you for this post Chris and for your answer Lujan! Again and again I discover how heart-ful and heart-felt are the threads of this forum. They touch me like a white feather.

  9. Hey Chris,
    Glad you wrote.
    Truth is always acceptable.
    If we all rationalized the futility of writing there would be no blog!
    All the best.

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