Overcoming Self-Sabotage

self-sabotage

I just want to say thank you to everyone contributing to Parallel Perception. Reading your heartfelt words has been an inspirational resource for me.  I’ve not contributed for some time, and now I feel I want to share my heartfelt feelings.

I can feel an increasing inner stability and awareness  through practicing the 8 Gates meditation. I know I need to be patient but sometimes I need to understand why I am here and how I can move away from my present situation. 

Over the last 7 years I am surrounded by family who have given me a place to stay but have become totally dependent on me through their physical disabilities.  So much goes on here to activate negative thought’s in my head, and so many times I resolve to listen to what I can’t hear and see inwardly what I can’t see, and then the punisher comes in to tell me I’ve failed again. 

It chastises me for thinking about or being sarcastic, or making an insinuation or just plain swearing in my head.  I notice my thought’s act upon one another  like I’m being set up, even though I am genuinely in my heart a kind person and act upon my kindness everyday.  I thought there was fertile ground for growing here and I can clearly hear the desperados inside my head, I can feel how my sense of duty (OCD) and self depreciation and the need for validation suppress my inner Child. 

I’ve resolved many times to regularly practice 8 Gates because I see the difference in quality within myself and how I move through my situation.  Before I practiced 8 Gate’s I felt like I was climbing through thorny rose bushes, and since this practice I feel more fluid.

I read in Lujan’s books about the imprints and pressures of the social construct surrounding us and these two paragraph’s on page 92, Whisperings of the Dragon resonate with me: 

If a shaman is reborn and does not recommence his journey, thus retrieving the information previously accessed, the filaments, the light fibers, will disconnect, due to the fact that the two percent of his attention has failed to reach out to his full potential to retrieve his past memories.

Thus he will wander lost to himself within the social knowings and doings that will encompass him within his present lifetime, instead of the not-doing of who he was and can become.

I have at times practiced my 8 gates meditation when it’s late and I end up falling asleep.  I ask myself now as I write, why don’t I make this profound and mysterious practice my priority and reach my full potential?

Thank you all for listening.

Love from
Mary

The most profound state of awareness comes from being devoted to your present circumstances, absorbing the sorrows and joys of others, so that you may see yourself within them, which in actuality is you.

Don’t let the socialized mind beat you up and reduce you to nothing. For in essence you are already there; dissolved and have become everything. This in turn reduces you and only wisdom and kindness can grow from this reduction.

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10 Comments
  1. Presence comes through us, and this is how we heal.
    I can only think that we want to be healers.

  2. Mary, I often fell asleep while practicing The Eight Gates. I noticed that it is still beneficial. It gets the body started in remembering the meditation. It eventually becomes a meditation that resurfaces in the memory as you’re going about your daily activities. It grows. It will begin to awaken things in your awareness and alert you to oncoming situations in which you can be waiting for these things to occur, instead of always being behind them, trying to catch up. It’s a truly beautiful meditation.

  3. Thank you, Sugrue for the reminder of how powerful the Eight Gate Meditation can be. Mary, I believe you are already on the way to becoming all you can be, as well as “already there.” We take our life’s circumstances and knit them into what sometimes seems like a flawed, crazy throw, only to discover somewhere along the way, that we have created a beautiful tapestry. You are creating that tapestry, flaws and all. Stay in your kind, beautiful heart, and stay well, and as my grandmother used to say, “keep twist.”
    Lots of love to you.

  4. Words of wisdom, the realm of freedom, dream infinity.

  5. I just feel overwhelmed by your responses, my heart seemed to grow beyond what I call my physical body, I could not find words to convey this.

    My 8 gates experience is not always easy and this I share with you because the quality of my life is so much improved in spite of this: I have experienced uncontrollable movements in limbs, joints, cracking bones, humming and throbbing where my physical womb used to be. Unbearable something I can’t explain moving around my body sometimes entering my feet or leaving, a sharp piercing energy coming out of my chin and nose, my nose feels very active and a very physical sensation of long thin fibers coming out, I put my hand there to find nothing. Also a feeling at the crown as if a screw top cap is being turned. Sometimes I wait a day or so to meditate because my physical body feels a bit raw after all that. Apart from falling asleep I often find myself in a dream, forgetting where I was, and try to find my way back to the gate, or go to skin.
    Have these energies been living in me and living off me, and if I am releasing them then where do they go safely and can they harm anyone?
    Sincere thank you to you all.

    • Hi Mary,

      Opening oneself to interpretations is a minefield. If one’s body is experiencing energetic stuff, and one is not aware of where it comes from, there is little point trying to find what it means through detective work. The mind and internal dialogue try to use it to re-establish a loop so then it’s not true seeing- it’s thinking used to justify an emotion.

      One of the effects of the Eight Gates is that one’s reasoning and thinking loops start to become apparent. It is best to take time and observe what emotions come from what the experiences bring and practice observing in silence.

      When the body can finally communicate directly to the heart, then physical experiences are known immediately. There is no thought. One knows immediately what is being communicated and it is understood at a visceral level. Until then, waiting for the knowing to arrive is just another part of the experience.

  6. From my experience, when I have no fear in entering any dream my circustance brings in making itself available, no harm can be done and they leave whereever their path leads to, once I learn the lesson my heart needs and universe brings me, being free I am. We tend to overlook what is infront us in plain sight as what holds us back is not.

    I am going to give a try to the 8 gates of dreaming awake meditation awake as my copy of Whisperings of the Dragon finally arrived and see it’s profound effects myself. Much love and earth’s touch.:

  7. Hello Luma,

    What a coincidence really, only today while washing I questioned why I wanted to satisfy my self righteousness by detecting and investigating something petty. I registered it like a light bulb had been turned on, ah! but later I had an opportunity to satisfy and validate myself.
    I’ve been doing this in every aspect of my life and becoming more obsessed as the years go by with the help of the internet. Sometimes it can be useful but mostly addictive.
    I am so grateful Luma you pointed out how the mind and the internal dialogue re establish the loop. Clearly this loop has imprisoned me, and I don’t need it anymore. I will take time to observe my experiences and emotions in silence. I feel so much lighter thanks to your insight.
    xxx love xxx from xxx Mary xxx

  8. You are welcome Mary. I have a copy of the audio of Whisperings of the Dragon that I found beneficial so I could return to passages and absorb more while out and about doing things. My mind likes to be busy, it just doesn’t always get busy on useful stuff.

    After a while, as the periods of silence increase, one really does notice what an intrusion the internal dialogue is, how repetitive and unnecessary the emotions and thoughts are.

    Observation allows that silent breath to return. The body then responds to the buoyancy with real communication for the seer. The work of a lifetime.

    A brief rainbow just appeared outside my window to say hello.

    Much love, Luma

  9. Hello luma, I was planning to record my own voice reading passages for the same reason but the audio of Whisperings of the Dragon is a much better idea.
    Much love and gratitude
    from xxx Mary xxx

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