Lujan I have been having a bit of trouble processing things and wanted to ask you a few questions.
For those who were raised by people with very low levels of awareness, who were absolutely 100% judgment based and apparently void of any potential of heart embrace and never imparted unconditional love, but alternately created a fear based environment of totalitarian control. Personal expression and spirit was punished by total withdrawal for weeks and severe psychological and physical abuse including being whipped with a horse strap from before the age of five, to being told as a very young child that one is Satan, that they deserve to suffer forever, that they are totally hated, being convinced they were a bad person, and the list endures.
This may sound like someone wanting to project blame so as to avoid embracing the unloved aspects of self by identifying with the position of a victim. But honestly the older I grow, I truly realize that if I wasn’t raised by this individual, I would not have all of these issues that I don’t know how to cope with. I do genuinely feel so. I feel like I was systematically destroyed as a human being. I am almost coming upon 30, and i feel like i am just getting more withdrawn which is the opposite of what I thought age would bring me.
But what I am experiencing is that much of my issues as an adult man can be linked to this kind of activity that surrounded me as a child. And honestly I don’t know what to do with all of this. This person was just really very dark and I seemed to really receive the hellfire. Sure there is a part of me who hates, for being so deeply psychologically abused, so I let that come up and accept it. There of course is a part of me who accepts that i was simply with someone who was wounded and thus inflicting the same harm that was done to them, that they were just lost within and allowing there own demons to navigate their life experience. So I sit with and accept that.
But ultimately I don’t ever feel like I am making strides as an adult with such deeply rooted psychological issues that have rendered me an absolute hermit without the ability to connect with other human beings without feeling unbelievably ill at ease. After over a decade of sincere and intense spiritual applications to life, I still cannot hold a conversation with a stranger, nor someone I am familiar with, without having panic attacks. And honestly my loneliness is starting to kill me.
There really is nothing about my life that I want any part of. And any means of rescuing myself from my conundrums isn’t effective. I just keep on keeping on with the same buried issues. I am not self destructive, but I am very painfully sad inside. I genuinely feel that the health issues I have today are the result of my immune system shutting down because of this.
How does one approach issues of this nature in a way that will genuinely impart healing and allow one to again merge with their limitless self, their true identity who they know themselves to be?
Is there anything you can really say to all of this beyond what you have already presented in your bodies of written work?
I could go deeper into the polymorphic tactics. When I was four years old as a basic example, I was taken to go ice skating on a lake in the winter. And I was too afraid to go on the ice because I thought I would fall through. So I was thrown into the car and locked in by myself and aggressively verbally accosted till I was in tears. Then this individual had one of her friends pretend that they were going to take me away forever and that would be the end of me. They opened the door and attempted to commandeer me verbally to get out of the car, and I had never seen this person before in my life. I remember this like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings of abandon and sheer despair and panic being so severe in the moment that it permanently altered something inside of me. I was weeping uncontrollably. When I confronted this individual years ago about it, they told me it was just a joke. Nice for her.
The deranged senselessness it takes someone to do this to an innocent child is incomprehensible to me.
And now as a man who sees, I can see this individual for who they are. As a child I was always made to feel like it was my fault. Well now the sorcery is revealed for what it is. And I feel enraged that I was subjected to this. I get it, but I just simply don’t understand. I was an innocent human being who did nothing in my life to warrant that level of depravity being directed at me. It created vast untold hurdles to collapse and still has a hold on my ability to be who I am.
Of course this is just one example.
I forgive this person and whats done is done. But what bothers me is that I genuinely feel like I am still affected to this day by all of this. If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t give a shit and would never have a desire to mention anything.
I live with this person and none of her spells can take hold now. But my jaw drops to be witness to all of it. If she doesn’t get her way in any manner even down to the smallest most insignificant details she literally trips into an alter that is veritably demonic in nature. Telling me god is punishing me for being sickly because I am a demon and she fucking hates me. This is because I was too tired one day to help her make her bed. Seriously. lol.
Then I flip back into childhood memories in witness to this happening there and I am fucking god smacked by this nefarious inculcating manipulation. And nothing can really be said as the cup is full.
But going through this as a child is a different story. It really affects you. We all have hardship in life though.
It infuses my quiescence with angst and makes me jittery and wounds me in a manner which feels like a physical attack on my solar plexus and it makes me tear. Even when she isn’t shooting bullets her very presence causes me to become very tense and hinders my natural ease. I freeze up in a sense. And this is the same response that perniciously impinges upon my connectivity with other human beings. So I await this energetic aberration to improve.
I have always known I shouldn’t be anywhere near this individual. I came back because with my health being so vexed I couldn’t work enough to make a living. This was almost five years ago.
I feel like I couldn’t get far enough away. When she goes into these tantrums she will call her friends and lie about me painting a picture that is horribly off target, and her comrades vibrate at her level (most of them) and so fortify her delusions which only makes her feel more justified within her attacks.
But all in good time I will leave. I just need to make sure I am capable of taking care of myself financially which is all tied back into my state of health which I constantly work on keenly.
So I am reading your account now about the fleeing sparrow. And I just came to the point about these malevolent intentions arriving fourth-dimensionally as smoky elements to be seen. I don’t know if there is a connecting relevance here but about a year ago my double manifested in virtually the same manner of which your initial encounter occurred that you described to me. The popping in the throat, the cessation of breath, and the conscious bi-location of awareness. The reason why I am mentioning this, is that when I was perceiving from the vantage point of the double, I was in the kitchen here while my third-dimensional physicality was sat in meditation, and everything I looked at, smoked in wisps that were about 5-10 inches. Everything in my field of vision had this active living anomaly occurring. My physical brain questioned if the house was on fire. Haha.
The interesting fact is that for the next two days I was so detached from this physical reality that I questioned if I was dreaming. The happening infused my being with so much light that declension from identification from anything inside or out naturally occurred. It was a liberation heretofore unknown. The compelling aspect that interests me in relation to your chapter on the orbs, is that all of the items smoking during this encounter, were ornamental treasures atop a counter. This home is filled with garnishments to gratify the senses. And perhaps being witness to them in the way that I was, was releasing the stored intent within these adornments which is to bewitch attention and paint a particular picture which misdirects individuals from seeing the surreptitiously veiled intentions of the one who placed them.
Do you also perceive this visual enigma with the objects in the room smoking Lujan when you emerge as your double?
Or does this relate to the intentions imbued within these items in this particular instance?
The parables tell a beautiful tale. And this message has been at the fore of my consciousness for some time. The fact that we are being totally bled as a species to the point that we are fully absorbed. When I look at all of this I feel far less concerned with my own toil. I hope something can be done to put an end to all of this. It is just so painfully unfortunate and has been going on for so long.
Everything you have asked in terms of your elucidation is spread through my four books. I know you have the 10th Anniversary Edition of The Art of Stalking Parallel Perception. All of your questions can be answered within this edition as well.
As for the double, everybody sees what they are meant to see, and it is never the same as another person’s experience, apart from viewing the anomaly of the other appearing as you.
I hope that your health gets better so that you can move away from the negativity that is besetting you. It is very important for your body to receive understanding and love when you are ill. You are in between a rock and a hard place at the moment. But I can see as the years have gone by your words elegantly flow and your seeing has become deeper.
To be dealt such adversity for so many years is a burden and a gift simultaneously. For within you will be the person that can be there for others by virtue of the fact that you know what they are going through because no one saw what you have endured.
When this chapter of your life comes upon you, your tears will flow, for only you will be capable of giving to those abused people that you meet, the depths of understanding that is necessary to squelch the fires of their sadness’s. Only you will know how to apply this, for you will see yourself within their burdens.