I find myself sitting at the feet of a nagual. This path I have found myself on is slowly being revealed and I am in awe. The rational mind toys with the possibilities. What if this man before me is a magician, a conjurer with his hypnotic music and his reading of micro gestures?
But I feel at home. I feel deeply loved. I sit as a wide eyed child and I want to cry because I can’t stay here forever. I watch him cut through the programmed responses and I lift myself up. I am better than this. I look back and say, I can’t believe I said that to you. I apologize. “I don’t do guilt”, he says.
The Lo Ban Pai movements flow into me and I watch him with my eyes and he says “your body wants this”. My body does. I follow his hands and feel the flow but my mind is not taking it in, in a conscious way. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t keep up. I stop, but then I start again and I know I will get it. He told me I will get it and I believe him.
Then I practice in my room. Simple movements, and after I finish I sit and I rock gently with the spinning around me. My hands feel a resistance inside the air, I feel a solid ball between my hands. So many shifts in my body. I wake with butterflies in my heart. Sometimes there’s pressure at the top of my head. Can I feel my lower dantien moving? Sometimes.
There is a feeling in my throat as we sit talking. I need to speak my truth, I already know that. “Stop gossiping”, he says, “and stop gossiping about yourself”. This is me putting myself down. I am more than this.
He tells the truth about the world, and I know, but I don’t want to hear. In my world everything is just nice. The things people are capable of scare me and I don’t want to listen. Waking up is not easy. No more compromises. I need to allow the things that resonate at a lower frequency to fall away now. I need to walk away. This makes me cry. I grieve for those I will leave behind.
And now a start to prepare for my last day. I know there will be more tears. Whatever I take home will be enough for me, for now. I will take home the smile, the sharing of jokes and the laughing at silly things. The memory of his laugh will make me so happy when I am home. And as the movements increase my gravity, I will see more truth. The joy in me will rise and spill over into my world. Challenges will come and push on me and I will push back with gentle non doing allowing the old to dissolve and the new to appear.