The Locked Gate that Obscures Our Freedom


This application for the  Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Ilian Petrov. If you would like to offer your support for Ilian please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

It is hard to live in the way like in the song: so you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain, a green field from a cold steel rail, a smile from a veil….
I have learned how hard it is to live in the way we live in today’s human world, filled with chemicals and poison and noise, and with so much separation – man from woman, parent from child, human being from human being

Yet so easy it is – to forget and live in oblivion. I live in oblivion so many moments and my closest fellows human beings live that way.

I learned that I am so alone in my fight, as Lujan said to me, if I don’t stop nobody can stop me. Yet I have so many places and people to find I am not alone, especially Lujan’s web-site.
I learned I am woven from such extremes, or contradictions. My nature is emptiness and silence and innocence, yet I am filled with noisy thoughts and programmed ugly behaviors.

I learned that I know little, and that it is hard to think about concepts like coupling that is at the bottom of all imprinting, or sexual triggers and so on. Yet the concepts in Lujan’s books made me more sensitive to what is happening in real life. It is Lujan’s integrity and consistency in the messages he gives that supported me into what I should do myself; to honor my circumstances and apply myself appropriately and unbiasedly.

So little had I experienced, realized or touched first-hand, or maybe I experienced and touched first hand such an enormity of information that I have hard time compressing it into the confines of my everyday consciousness, so explanations are halted and my reason is not reasoning anything. I just do, do the Dragon’s Tears movements and do what I feel is appropriate at any moment and don’t turn back. I used to dwell in the past before and I had stopped now turning back to the past. I just do and wonder from time to time.

In brief, what I learned since I first read Lujan’s first book eight years ago is to be more open, and more sensitive to whisperings that arise within or without at certain times. I want to give a real-life example or a point of reference, something I also learned from Lujan. It shows why I want to learn more with him.

I live in the capital of my country, in a building with 30 or so apartments that share a common yard having earth, flowers, grass and trees on it. The yard was not closed in the distant past when I played in it as a small child, but nowadays it is fenced and locked from the lady who lives on the ground floor. She lives there unmarried, with her mother who is around 85 years old and we live above them. Her mother is age-struck and often wants to go out of the yard into the sidewalk and streets but is not allowed to do so alone because she may get lost. She asks everyone (who happens to appear on the front door next to the locked yard’s gate) how to escape, how to unlock the door and walk outside. We often hear her daughter yelling at her night and day.

I got some pea sprouts from the local seller of organic smoothies more than a month ago as a gift because I am her loyal customer. After eating some I left them on our balcony where they grew big and half dried in their narrow plastic tray. I wanted to plant them and other seedlings in the yard, but people who live on the ground floor walk their dogs there, there are occasionally fleas and ticks in it and I don’t know how to handle the pests without pouring some strong chemicals in the yard, which I don’t want to do. But on today’s fine and warm day I had to throw those pea sprouts or lurk into the yard and plant and water them.

I marvel at the way life tries to find its place and sprout its beginning so I decide to go to a distant earth-rich corner of the yard passing through the underground level’s 2 locked doors and opening a third back door far removed from the front yard’s gate. I see right away the aged mother of my ground floor neighbor walking slowly in the backyard. She doesn’t show to recognize me and asks as always if the path this way is locked and if she can get out. I answer without looking at her, because I feel her pain, that it’s locked and she moves away from me and hides behind a corner. I proceed to dig the soft, black dirt and make stakes from the hazel-tree branches I cut earlier in February. I used to clean the yard in previous years until I gave up and nobody else is taking care for the back part of it except incidentally like I was planting the peas now.

While I plant the long, half-dried sprouts thoughts come to me, grounded in another experience of a beautiful twilight with exquisite moving clouds and flocks of birds flying in an expanding oval path. I thought then how yin and yang are present in every moment and also the accumulation of energy from which life sprouts and the movement that helps it evolve. In the back yard where I came to plant this life, my movement disturbed the stale, same old environment and the aged woman has a chance now to slip through the back door that has no lock, only a reamer on the inside that I had left opened. I feel a pang of guilt at the image of her daughter accusing me that I let her go.

I finish planting and water the peas. When I come to the back door I realize I can’t open it because it has locked itself. I forgot that it has no handle on the outside, only on the inside, so I can’t press it to move the latch. I try for ten minutes to no avail. I realize I have to jump over the fence.

I hope now the peas will grow and bear fruit even though they were almost dry when I planted them.

Ilian Petov

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  1. Ilian,
    There is a pathos to your story that is very moving–an irony and themes that strike a chord–the human hope for new beginnings from things past, the vagaries of old age and the desire within all of us to be free, how we sometimes have a tendency to lock our own selves out of the gates of heaven. (a little smile here :)
    I enjoyed your post and wish you the very best in your endeavors.

  2. Dear Ilian,

    I support your dream of furthering your study of life and love with Lujan. I really enjoy your tale of the little old lady contained in her locked world, and the pea sprouts contained in their little corner of rich earth, and so many of us, held outside gates that only open from the inside. Lujan is a master gate-jumper. I hope you get to jump many gates together!

  3. Pea sprouts as a gift for your loyalty, very symbolic, I think. How vital that you planted them, and faced the discomfort of insects, an unkept yard, and an elderly woman who may evoke painful feelings…. It shows true respect for life: for the potential of those sprouts, and for your living relationships with the smoothie-maker, as well as everyone in your apartment building. Thank you for explaining this, Ilian. I wish you success in your goal of attaining the scholarship!

  4. “If I don’t stop nobody can stop me”

    Powerful and inspiring, thanks Ilian and Lujan.

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