Letting Go of Self-Importance

self-importance-letting-go

This application for the  Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Michael Kallina. If you would like to offer your support for Michael please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

I met Lujan the first time in 2011. At that time I already had gone quite a long way from where and in what circumstance I was born, so I was quite self-confident when I meet him. At least that’s what I thought I was.

In the reality that showed up through his help, I had to admit to myself, and at that time for me even worse, to others, that I was still full with anger, angry thoughts, comparison, cunningness and manipulation, hate for myself and others.

And Lujan helped me to reveal all those masks. It was very strange: I did not like what I saw,
I found that little hurt, selfish and lonely boy and an angry, manipulative man. I was so happy that I could let go of that burden.

Since then his presence is with me. His understanding of integrity. A concept and feeling that was foreign to me before. In a way his presence is still like a falling star in me. A little bit like the star, the kings oriented towards, when they were looking for the Jesus Baby.
His Presence helps me to hold my spirit up, to continue to commit to my self-growth and integrity, especially in times, when I am tempted to lie to myself and others again, in order to get something, that I would not get openly.

I learned the Windlock system and Dragon’s Tears. And I am still on. The Windlock system helped me regaining my physical strength, I even had to throw away most of my shirts as my shoulders got broader and my arms in a way got longer. Doing it feels like taking a long bath, a long shower. I move emotional and physical tensions out of my body, my arteries, bones and heart and diaphragm. Now, I am much more grounded then I was before I met Lujan.

Even so I still struggle at times with tensions in my throat, chest and lungs. Still being afraid to open my heart totally to the world. Lujan always said that this is also only a mindset, that opening up takes time, and in a way I know that, but I have not yet found how the courage to make it happen or better: to allow myself to be soft.

I still see and feel Lujan’s movements of grace inside myself and I try to enter this magnetic space, of beauty, of grace. Which is a space of respect and true tantra-like, full hearted appreciation of the space that is around me. Every second. No backing, no hiding.

And there is one other thing. I love to look at the pictures that he and Mizpah put out on their website. They talk to me without words and I carry their resonance in my heart and in my spirit and I know, that’s where I go. Cutting through my self-pity and self-importance, letting go of my need to control.

I am looking forward to meet Lujan again. Because he is an unbendable warrior and mirror. Then I will know if everything that I have written here, the story that I tell myself now, is true.

Michael

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10 Comments
  1. Have already given my support for all applicants of the The Parallel Perception Scholarship.

    As I read your post on the path of your heart, compassion and understanding filled my heart. Would like to share a path of the heart hoping that somehow this helps and to let you know you are not alone. The hardest part was standing up to face my own ignorance, insanity and darkness and admitting my own responsibility. To accept the realization that it is not anything outside of myself – her, him, them, it, they, etc. it was all in my own consciousness. You must face the darkness before you find peace in the light. It was a lot of responsibility to take on and during this time had many times I was knocked down to the ground and felt like I was literally going to die. There where moments that my whole world was pulled from under me, leaving me naked to the universe, than the heart started to slowly open like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.

    Do realize we are all very unique and beautiful as we unfold and that no two paths are identical. As I said to my self “get up wounded warrior and do not ever give up.” Love who you are and admire your own courage and determination.

  2. Sending warm, fuzzy softness to you, Michael.

    • Dear Gwendolyn,

      thank you!

      Michael

  3. Dear Micheal,

    I found myself writing about this physical improvement in my body only two days ago and I am so happy to share with you that I have gone through a similar struggle and just recently came out victorious.

    An incredible opening of my air ways and free flowing reservoir of breath with incredible strength and support from my diaphragm had made itself available to me since the 23rd of March this year. It was the day that I decided to stop drinking alcohol socially after work. I sing for 4 hours every night of the week and the drinking had become a habit.

    I wouldn’t drink much, 1 beer or a glass of wine or two. After three days of sobriety I realized how dependent I was on it to come down from my adrenalin high and escape to a place of tipsy quietness. I realized how toxic it was and the energy it took from my body that kept me from doing a lot of important tasks and practices. I realized that for about 10 years it has been doing just that. Numbed me in so many ways and kept me from truly being quiet within myself.

    For about 10 years I have experienced tension in my throat after damaging my vocal chords at university. For years I have been trying to regain the natural flow of my breath, in and out and struggled so much that sometimes the tension in my throat was so bad that I couldn’t even speak. Throughout the years I also became aware of how the tension was connected to emotional struggles, resentment, jealousy and desire for acceptance and my ultimate pitfall – desire to please.

    Before, when I started practicing silent breathing I almost asked Lujan how to do it without building up the tension of controlling the airways so that friction wouldn’t take place and make a sound.

    In the last 6 weeks i have made a friendly space within myself for learning healing and dealing with pertinent issues to take place as i listened to “Whisperings of the dragon” twice. I gave up alcohol and done a lot of introspection, silent breathing and all of a sudden one night it came back to me, that emptiness to take enough air in without tension, life force flowing into a void within myself, lifting my abdomen just above the navel, like a pregnant fairy, opposed to lifting my chest or trying too hard to spread my ribs.

    I am so grateful for this. Breathing that makes no sound, as I listen to it and let all my tensions fall away. My job has turned into 4 hours of silent breathing meditation and with that I have become so much more of a flute to resonate with inspiration from somewhere beyond this world that is so congested with thoughts.

    You will be so amazed when you experience the tension lifting with the most amazing laughter that lets you drink in air of happiness almost pumped into your lungs. We all deserve it, I am so exited for your wonderful journey to pure elation. So much love and success to you.

    • Dear Lujeanne,

      when i red your words, i was so touched, i cried, something very old in me, popped,… some loneliness …. and i felt so grateful, for your support, somebody that i do not know socially, but that would through words and under, above and beneath words would hit me, support me, touch me,
      and at that moment somebody in me knew, me too, i can let go,
      and already today, i feel a change, a little bit woobly, my heart feels like a spring blossom …. like fresh green grass ….

      strange and funny enough my birthday is 22. of mars …

      and an a very old story pops up, while i write this,…. my grand aunt and her husband they poisoned themselves and their two children (my fathers cousins), in 1945, as they were Nazis, when the russians approached …. maybe that has nothing to do with me … as it is far away, … but this incident pops up now, and i just feel the childrens fear and sadness, having to leave a life that had just begun… and the fear and angryness and ruthlessness of their parents … projecting that life is a fight between us humans, between the “races”…. an ideology that allows them to take life .. to forsake life… for the idea of superiority ….like a dark shadow the feeds on human life…blinding us for the beauty of all souls.

      maybe my mind just wants an explanation for that sadness inside me …
      i even thought about eradicating this text now, but it just feels its part of my truth …

      … anyway i will sit down and pray for all of them now … i will bring peace to me, and to them, if they want. Allowing softness, kindness in my eyes.
      i am here… and i focus on peace in my hands and in my heart.

      thank you!

      Michael

  4. Michael, I acknowledge the process that you’ve undertaken and that your journey has been difficult. But realize that everything is for a reason.

    I give respect and high regard to the process of you being open to the possibility of change and transformation via the process we encountered the last time we met.

    I send my heartfelt feelings to you.

    Lots of love
    Lujan.

    • Thank you,
      Lujan,
      when i red your words, i cried.
      its just amazing how deeply connected we humans can be.
      and its amazing how much feeling of tenderness and purity there can be in my lungs, when i surrender. then i look directly in my heart. and the gras and the fresh leaves start to talk about life and its abundance.
      i am on my way.

      with deep gratitude

      Michael

  5. my vote is for you to continue on this path where you realize your full potential

  6. I’m happy for you Michael! Beautiful image of the falling star. I think I know what you mean by that. I definitely know what you mean by the tangle of anger and hurt inside…must feel so good to have released that burden. Thank you for writing this, it’s very brave. I wish you more and more freedom and love

  7. This is a powerful account by you Michael.
    It truly touched me on a very deep level.
    I offer you my support.
    Vote.

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