This application for the Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Mary Erdem. If you would like to offer your support for Mary please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
What I have learned from the teachings of Lujan Matus, is to be alert, and watchful of my pre-occupations and complacency. Complacency almost stopped me writing this.
At the age of eighteen I left home for five years to attend Art College. During this time, I discovered meditation and various esoteric books. Getting married in 1979 took me back to Bristol UK working with disabled children and children in care, as well as becoming a mother. During this time, I moved out of my home city several times only to arrive back again through circumstances. For six years I trained and counselled couples and singles with relationship issues, hence my divorce. I continued to explore various spiritual ideologies through reading, attending courses and workshops. I also presumed I was a healer for a short time until I realised I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, or trying to achieve.
As the eldest daughter of five, from a large extended family, I naturally assumed the care of my elderly now disabled parents for the last seven years. Their expectations are rarely based on their needs but rather their wants, and they have little concept of me as an autonomous free spirit.
Emotions run high in words and opinions in my family, and blame gets kicked around like a game of football. Lujan’s teaching has shown me how to be in these situations, to take a step back to a place of observation and non-involvement. Here I find peace and love for myself, and a great sadness for the scene in front of me, which in itself is seductive in pulling me back into the same old thing of service and self-sacrifice.
I’m learning to observe my thoughts and how I am captured by insinuations and sarcasm inherent in my family. How I participate and collude with family imprints, and where repeated patterns of cruel and negative intentions of blame are prevailing.
What happened to my Truth; because very little of mine was spoken in this environment until recently? And kindness; needs words spoken from a loving heart.
Integrity for me is to speak the truth without the expectation of cooperation or acceptance, especially about what I can do, and, what I don’t want to do anymore. Helping my family to understand I have their best interest at heart, to keep them safe and have their needs met and they can participate in a favourable outcome.
I have yet to deeply understand the effect of my mother and father on my inner child, maybe it will come to me in time. I know their thoughts by their words and gestures and ‘the look’. They gave these imprints to me, and in turn effects the way I relate to others.
It has been a revelation for me to observe my family as a mirror for my introspection. In observation of these reflections I see the entity and its hidden intention within me, to capture me at every turn, and keep me prisoner. I’ve learned that its ok to fail, because every moment provides new opportunity to have another go at getting it right, it is so important to wave goodbye to guilt and that feeling of failure.
Changes I’m making lately are physically and emotionally difficult. I keep reminding myself to keep going, don’t back down, be alert to the seduction and manipulation of changing circumstances, the weak moments and where there is even a minute amount of self-doubt.
I am experiencing emotional upheaval at present but change is a process, and I feel Shamanic movement will reinforce my progress to remember and become who I truly am.
Much love to all xxxx