Seeking Transcendence of Negativity and True Healing

nagual-shaman-training-scholarship
This application for the 2017 Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Charlie.  If you would like to offer your support for Charlie please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

I began writing what would have been my application when the scholarship was first announced, going into in depth detail of the struggles against what surrounds myself in my infamously cursed home town of Santa Cruz, CA; about it’s historically abused indigenous people, the thinness of the veil here, and the rampant entity susceptibility amongst the entirety of the population and how this has unconsciously and consciously shaped my upbringing and life subsequently.

As I read back through this venting I couldn’t help but feel contrived and dramatic; a desperate ego driven display designed to invoke in others the consequential collective stress I have felt throughout my life. As relevant as these experiences are to growth, all of the definitions of emotions and interactions I divulged seemed ultimately extraneous and contradictory to what I am actually seeking: transcendence of negativity and healing. This is my attempt to be more heart centered in my approach.

When I first discovered Lujan Matus for myself I was in the midst of an episode of exceptional entity oppression, when I followed my intuition and sought inspiration at the local book shop, where I found Shadows in the Twilight. Already having a personal appreciation and attraction to the shamanic teachings I had previously found, I purchased and quickly read it in it’s entirety and found everything to be vastly relative to my own experience.

All of the suspicions of reality which I regularly found doubt as a roadblock to full realization were gently reaffirmed in a matter of fact manner that suspended my disbelief as other teachings had not before. As I have learned from the Buddha, “doubt… is a sword that kills”, and I know this personally as someone surrounded by troves of the disenchanted and hopeless throughout my life (those who would deny anything outside of their own limited dogmatic perspective). The tone of compassion and understanding presented by the Nagual encouraged me to apply myself and create the confidence to embody the realizations of the mysteries of life for which I was always denied to some degree one way or another.

All of the philosophical and metaphysical studies I had accumulated over the years prior gradually became more pertinent and applicable to my day to day living as this dissolution of doubt has unfolded. Following the advice of Lujan, my life practices and health have progressed positively. I have switched to a vegan diet of largely fruits and vegetables, my meditation and exercise are more diligent and intentional, I practice daily rituals of cleansing, and interactions with oppressive energies have subsided drastically.

Before I would have almost nightly sleep possessions and daily irrational verbal disputes with close ones, but these changes in behavioral frequency have allowed me now to resonate further out of sync with those which would oppress myself. This also has translated to separation from actual human influence that would inhibit my journey, and I have since distanced myself from them all immensely. Distance from stress doesn’t cure everything though, and I remain with vulnerabilities when engaging certain stresses.

I know all too well that I am always a work in progress with infinite of room for improvement. After writing my first attempted dissertation and feeling disappointed in the tone I previously described, for a time I was stalled and felt unworthy to seek such a venture as this scholarship. Doubt took the place of excitement, and continued reading of other applicants narratives provoked more personal sentiments of insubstantiality.

So many seemingly worthy contenders with powerful stories that deserve their due attention, and I wouldn’t even be able to actually make the full journey across the world to attend in person. Petty excuses as they are, I have wondered honestly perhaps my healing journey, steeped in relative isolation, is a destiny for myself to face on my own like it always has been.

I have been the closest thing to a healer to the people around me, playing the role of teacher without a teacher so far well enough, and my developed distrust and associated trauma assuming the role of a student amongst toxic teachers makes it easy to remain this way. Beyond this pride though I recognize in this moment my fear of displaying weakness by requesting any guidance, and how underlying I am afraid to be dissected and possibly shown for what I both know and don’t know about myself, as truthfully desirable as this may be.

Certainly a hodgepodge of mind chatter and undermining whisperings intersecting my awareness. In retrospect almost everything worthwhile generally seems daunting initially because of such ramblings, so today I looked at the calendar and told myself if I am meant for this and if I resonate to this avenue of life then what I attract will occur, and so here I write.

Charlie
USA

P.S. In dedication to my gratitude for all I have learned and received as a result of Lujan’s influence, in the spirit of these heartfelt teachings I have shared an in the moment inspired short musical improvisation. I suppose I will call it “Reaching for the Heart”. Many thanks and much love.

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