I Finally Feel Like I’m Alive

Testimonial – Online Shamanic Guidance

I have lived my life in fear. The fear permeated my body, froze my heart and my voice, and let my social self rule my life. I was surreptitious, concealed my fear lest my weakness be known in this predatory world, and tried to control all that came towards me hopelessly trying to avoid being hurt. I wanted to be safe so badly, safe from people mostly, that I trapped myself and forgot who I was.

“You want to be loved and appreciated,” said Lujan, and those few words spoken with a voice so filled with kindness began to unravel all my concealment. And I do, for kindness and love are what I treasure in life. For a brief instant, in the intense truth of that moment, I experienced grace and I knew my heart more fully than I’ve ever done before. All the pain I’ve experienced, all the sorrow and regret drifted away.

I have studied Lo Ban Pai with Lujan before, and each time a small layer of my social self has melted away, but during our last online sessions his words reverberated more deeply than ever before.

“A lot of people are beginning to experience a rapture,” he mentioned, as we spoke of what being in a state of grace really means. He explained how each situation I encounter is like the beads in a mala, each person being my mantra as I arrive.

“Watch what you bring to the table,” he explained (and I was reminded of the time Don Juan spoke to Carlos about the table being the Tonal).

I saw how my interactions with others were filled with judgement and anger, a frightened child who didn’t believe in the world and brought to the table the perfect ingredients to keep my heart filled with more sorrow and fear.

“This is how you fall from grace into sin, and then you are in the wrong place at the right time.”

Being in the wrong place at the right time and being in the right place at the wrong time is the most profound teaching Lujan has ever spoken to me about. The elegant and powerful simplicity of how Adharma and Dharma interweave with concepts such as being in a state of grace, with how each mantra, or interaction with others, becomes a Sutra as the power of one’s inner silence enlivens when we remain within love and kindness- the rapture of being- has transformed my life.

“You cannot avoid suffering. The world is a harsh place. You must be like the compassionate Buddha, gently bowing to what presents itself, feeling the pain while never losing the loving kindness that abides in the heart for then your tears will be healing and you will not fall into sin.”

I now know, and most importantly, now I understand how to be and not do (Lujan explains in Whisperings of the Dragon the art of being, knowing and not-doing) so that I do not forget who I am.

“Knowing when you are in the wrong place at the right time and being in the right place at the wrong time is an art, and a discipline that is most difficult to master.”

Indeed, over the following days I’ve watched myself, checking to see what I bring to the table as each bead along my path, each mantra, reminds me not to forget myself.

I remember who I am. I want to be loved and appreciated, and I want to love and appreciate with kindness the mantras that life brings before me, for when I do, I experience something so beautiful within that sometimes beautiful tiny sparks begin to dance around me and turn to tiny little holographic golden lotus flowers reminding me that true magic abides within a loving heart.

Life may bring difficult times, sorrow and tears, yet now I finally feel like I’m alive.

My deepest love and gratitude to you, Lujan. Thank you.

New Zealand

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  1. Thanks Luma.
    You gave words to bring something in me into alignment/understanding.
    All the best!

  2. Ah, Luma, how I love and miss you. Thanks for the heart-swelling comments of an interaction with Lujan. He’s so BEAUTIFUL!

    Being aware of what I bring to the table.

  3. Thank you Luma, your words speak straight to my heart ♥

  4. So very resonant for me. Thank you so much Luma and Lujan

  5. Luminous Luma .~*~.
    Great gratitude for sharing the precious jewels of Luhan’s teaching. The first paragraph describes my coping strategies.
    This was a transmission that spoke directly to my heart & I can feel the healing swirling through me.
    Blessings & Love,

  6. Thank you, Luma, for your open-hearted testimonial. I wonder: How do we know if we’re in the right place at the wrong time or visa versa? Why do we face this dilemma? And can we ever be in the right place at the right time?

    • It’s not a dilemma, more of being aware of who we are as we interact with what presents itself.

      If I remember who I am (the right place) and I watch whatever presents itself without falling for any manipulations from others (the wrong time) then I receive so much information. Being, knowing and not-doing.

      It’s very difficult. I am continuously pulled by situations to ‘do’ the old manipulations and respond in ways that will compromise my heart- being in the wrong place at the right time.

      On the plus side, I can finally use my stubbornness in a positive way.

  7. Thank you, Luma!

  8. Dearest Luma,
    You’ve touched my heart so much and i am so grateful that you made me understand “right place wrong time”. Would you please be so kind and describe your perception of the wrong place at the right time as to follow through the description with the different elements. I love that you are able to find your strength and hold on to our ultimate heritage of happiness and love. Thank you for sharing your journey, it also helps me to feel strong and keep on loving and being kind. Big ball of love and light your way. Love, Lujeanne

    • Hi Lujeanne,

      I can share a story. I had to make a very difficult decision and leave where I work. This has come with having to face so many emotions and feelings of not being cared for and appreciated, as well as having to confront my fear of being somewhere new. I was deeply hurt by what transpired after I announced my decision as well which allowed my social self plenty of indignation and self-pity. It is painful for me because I love and care deeply although I see now how I have been very manipulative with how I love.

      My daily practice is now to face each situation as I prepare to leave with as much kindness and love for those who I encounter despite the silent tears. To not engage when someone asks me quietly on the side ‘How are you feeling about leaving?’ hoping to hook me into the whirlpool of gossip, or give voice to any emotions that still churn inside me at times. I simply observe them and only speak with kindness. I do not make my burden their burden, nor do I play into the predatory gossip or try to seek to prop myself up in any way. This would make me be in the wrong place at the right time.

      It is my time to learn to love without placing conditions, without expectations and to allow my heart to dictate how to respond with kindness and love despite pain, despite fear. The right place at the wrong time.

      With love, Luma

  9. Better situations are on their way, Luma.

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